07 May 2015

Throw Back Thursday


ONE YEAR AGO TODAY WE WERE WALKING INTO PRIMARY CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. CHECKING IN FOR SURGERY AND LADYBUG'S FIRST TWO ROUNDS OF CHEMOTHERAPY. I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT FROM THAT DAY. I WAS SO NUMB ALL MORNING. I, WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO EXPECT. NEITHER ONE OF US HAD EVER WATCHED SOMEONE GO THROUGH CHEMO AND THE FACT THAT OUR FIRST EXPERIENCE WAS GOING TO BE WITH OUR DAUGHTER TERRIFIED US. WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE. BOTH TOO AFRAID TO TELL THE OTHER ABOUT OUR FEARS. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING, YOU COULD FEEL IT. LADYBUG'S PORT PLACEMENT SURGERY WAS DELAYED BY SEVERAL HOURS AND TO BE HONEST WE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND. THE LONGER SHE STAYED WITH US THE LONGER SHE STAYED "NORMAL"... THE LONGER OUR LIVES STAYED CONTROLLABLE. 

LATER THAT AFTERNOON WHEN THEY FINALLY ROLLED HER OUT OF SURGERY COMPLETE PANIC SET IN. I'M NOT SURE IF IT WAS SEEING OUR DAUGHTER LAYING IN A HOSPITAL BED WITH NO COLOR, COMPLETELY UNRESPONSIVE OR THE HARSH REALIZATION THAT WE WE'RE ON OUR WAY UP TO THE ONCOLOGY WARD BUT IT ALL BECAME TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. I WAS SICK TO MY STOMACH. I FELT LIKE I COULD BARELY BREATHE. I JUST WANTED TO CRAWL INTO A CORNER AND CRY. AS WE MOVED FROM THE FIRST FLOOR TO THE DREADED FOURTH FLOOR I HAD TO CONVINCE MYSELF TO STAY. I WAS READY TO TURN AROUND AND RUN OUT OF THAT HOSPITAL AS FAST AS I COULD. AS THE ANESTHESIA WORE OFF RYLIE'S PAIN INCREASED. SHE WAS CRYING, SCARED, AND COMPLETELY OUT OF IT. I FELT LIKE THE WALLS WERE CAVING IN. I REMEMBER LEAVING HER ROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES. I THINK I SAID I NEEDED TO USE THE BATHROOM BUT TRUTH BE TOLD I JUST NEEDED SOME AIR. I NEEDED A FEW MINUTES TO GATHER MYSELF UP, CONVINCE MYSELF IT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY BEFORE I WENT IN AND TRIED TO CONVINCE MY DAUGHTER OF THE SAME. 

I THOUGHT I HAD IT ALL TOGETHER THEN I OPENED THE DOOR BACK TO RYLIE'S ROOM AND SAW OUR FAMILIES STANDING THERE. MY EYES IMMEDIATELY FILLED WITH TEARS AND THEN IT HAPPENED. BRETT'S SISTER HUGGED ME AND I REMEMBER JUST CRYING. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME ALL DAY I HAD FELT SAFE. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING. JUST KNOWING THEY WERE THERE SAVED US FROM COMPLETE DESTRUCTION. AS A PARENT YOU ALWAYS TRY TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE, WE HAD DONE IT FOR MONTHS. TELLING OUR FAMILIES IT WOULD ALL BE OKAY. I'M SURE THEY SEEN RIGHT THROUGH OUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO MINIMIZE THE SITUATION AND OUR SHEER TERROR BUT THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING. THEY JUST SHOWED UP WHEN WE NEEDED THEM THE MOST. STAYED FOR A FEW MINUTES. HUGGED US AND TUCKED US IN FOR THE NIGHT. I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT WE WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED THIS LAST YEAR WITHOUT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. THEY HAVE DONE MORE FOR US IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS THAN WE COULD EVER DO FOR THEM IN THE REST OF OUR LIFETIME. THEY WERE OUR ANCHORS! 

TODAY IS NOT ABOUT TEARS AND SADNESS. YES, THIS YEAR HAS SUCKED! IT HAS BEEN THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN THROUGH IN MY LIFE. IT HAS TESTED ME IN WAYS I DIDN'T THINK COULD EVER BE POSSIBLE. BUT, IT HAS ALSO BEEN ONE OF THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES. THIS YEAR HAS FORCED US TO CONFRONT ISSUES HEAD ON. IT'S FORCED US TO RELY ON EACH OTHER AND UNDERSTAND NO ONE IS PERFECT. IT'S FORCED US TO ASK FOR HELP- HELP I NEVER WOULD HAVE SOUGHT OUT BEFORE. HELL, OUR DAUGHTER GOT TO SPEND ONE DAY EVERY MONTH ALONE WITH HER LOVED ONES. ONE-ON-ONE TIME WE USUALLY TAKE FOR GRANTED. SHE WAS ABLE TO FORM A BOND WITH HER GRANDPARENTS THAT MANY KIDS DON'T GET... I MEAN SERIOUSLY! HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU KNOW THAT GET TO GO SPEND A FULL DAY WITH THEIR GRANDPARENTS BY THEMSELVES EVERY MONTH--- NO DISTRACTIONS JUST PURE FUN! OUR SISTERS HAVE PICKED HER UP FROM SCHOOL, TAKEN HER FOR SLEEPOVERS... THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. THEY HAVE BEEN OUR HAPPY IN THE SADDEST OF TIMES, OUR SAFETY NET!

WE ARE SO INCREDIBLY LUCKY. OUR LITTLE GIRL SURVIVED! SHE IS THRIVING! WE GET TO TAKE HER HOME EVERY NIGHT, TUCK HER INTO BED, AND KISS HER SWEET FACE EVERY MORNING. IT MIGHT NOT BE THE PERFECT ENDING YOU SEE IN THE MOVIES BUT IT'S OUR LIFE. NF TORMENTS US WITH ENDLESS DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS AND THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, BUT NF ALSO GAVE US LOVE AND APPRECIATION. TODAY, WE WILL CELEBRATE ALL WE HAVE TO BE THANKFUL FOR AND THE TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF LOVE WE HAVE FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. THANK YOU FOR STICKING BY OUR SIDES! IT;S BEEN ON HECK OF A YEAR!