What If...

LATELY I FEEL LIKE OUR LIVES HAVE JUST BEEN FULL OF “WHAT IFS”. LADYBUG HAS REALLY BEEN STRUGGLING LATELY AND HAS REALLY GOTTEN GOOD AT FLEXING HER INDEPENDENCE, ALL THINGS THAT CAN BE “NORMAL” TWO YEAR OLD BEHAVIOR… BUT MY HEART AUTOMATICALLY SINKS EACH TIME AND I DRIFT TO A PLACE OF WHAT IF! WHAT IF THE TUMORS ARE NOT STABLE? WHAT IF THEY’VE STOPPED RESPONDING TO TREATMENT? MAYBE THAT’S WHY SHE DIDN’T EAT TONIGHT… MAYBE THAT’S WHY HER SLEEP HAS BEEN SO OFF… MAYBE WE HAVE A PROBLEM…… OR MAYBE SHE’S JUST TWO?!?

IT’S A CONSTANT STRUGGLE. JUST WHEN WE GET A HANDLE ON ONE ISSUE IT FEELS LIKE ANOTHER ONE POPS UP. WE’RE ALWAYS ON GUARD, ALWAYS! EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY WE FIND OURSELVES TRYING TO SORT THINGS OUT. LADYBUG DIDN’T EAT DINNER; IN FACT SHE REFUSED TO EVEN LEAVE OUR BED, SHE JUST WANTED TO LAY THERE AND RELAX? IMMEDIATE PANIC SETS IN… IS SHE SICK? CHECK HER TEMPERATURE. IS SOMETHING WRONG- MOUTH SORES? DIAPER RASH? MAYBE SHE JUST WANTED TO WATCH FLICKA?!? IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT “IT” IS. YOUR HEART ALWAYS SINKS AND TAKES YOUR MIND TO A PLACE IT SHOULDN’T GO. IT CAN BE THE SIMPLEST OF THINGS… COUPLE DAYS AGO SHE STARTED POTTY TRAINING HERSELF, TWO DAYS LATER… SHE’S REFUSING TO GO. IMMEDIATE STRESS AND PANIC SETS IN… ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO FIRST HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR NOT POTTY TRAINED? HOW DO YOU POTTY TRAIN SOMEONE WHO SPENDS HALF THE MONTH IN THE HOSPITAL AT APPOINTMENTS? SHE’S ALMOST 3 AND EVERYONE KEEPS ASKING IF SHE’S POTTY TRAINED… MAYBE WE HAVE A PROBLEM? OR MAYBE SHE’S GOING THROUGH A LOT AND WE SHOULD JUST CUT OURSELVES A BREAK……

WE, OKAY PROBABLY MORE ME THAN ANYONE ELSE, HAVE STRUGGLED WITH THAT A LOT THE LAST FEW WEEKS. YOU GET SO USE TO HEARING BAD NEWS ALL THE TIME YOU’RE CONSTANTLY BRACING FOR IMPACT. PREPARE FOR THE WORST, HOPE FOR THE BEST… YEAH, THAT’S HOW WE LIVE! SITTING WITH SOME GIRLFRIENDS THIS WEEKEND AS THEY TELL ME TO CUT MYSELF A BREAK I REALIZED THE “WHAT IFS” ARE GOING TO TEAR US APART. THEY ARE GOING TO RIP US TO SHREDS AND LEAVE US IN A BROKEN PILE. HELL YES THIS SUCKS! IT SUCKS REALLY BAD! WE HAVE A LOT OF BAD DAYS, BUT DAMN IT WE HAVE SOME PRETTY GREAT ONES AS WELL. WE HAVE AN INCREDIBLY SMART, BEAUTIFUL, INDEPENDENT DAUGHTER WHO GIVEN EVERYTHING SHE GOES THROUGH HANDLES EACH AND EVERY DAY WITH SUCH STRENGTH. SO SHE’S STILL IN DIAPERS, THAT’S OKAY! SHE’S ALSO GOING THROUGH CHEMO AND KICKING ITS ASS! SURE, WE HAVE A FEW OF THE “STANDARD” DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES’ TO HIT… BUT WE’RE HITTING OUR OWN MILESTONES! THIS IS OUR LIFE; IT’S DIFFERENT FROM OUR NEIGHBORS, OUR FRIENDS, AND OUR FAMILY. WE HAVE OUR OWN TRIALS, AS DO THEY. ALL WE CAN DO IS GET UP EVERY MORNING AND PUT OUR BEST FOOT FORWARD AND ENJOY THE MOMENT! OUR GOAL FOR THE UPCOMING MONTH… CELEBRATE THE LITTLE VICTORIES AND STRESS LESS ABOUT THE THINGS WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER!